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Marci B. Stiles, MA, LPC-S, NBCC

Local psychotherapist Marci B. Stiles, MA, LPC-S, NBCC of Positive Outlook Counseling will appear as an expert on tonight’s (July 22) premiere of “My Food Obsession” on the Cooking Channel.

Airing at 8 p.m. CST, the premiere centers around Kat, Juston and Kirstie, who each battle and unhealthy relationship with certain foods ranging from raw elbow macaroni to chewing gum.

Learn more about “My Food Obsession” and tonight’s episode here.

Marci Stiles

By Elise Fuller, LPC-Intern
Supervised by Marci Stiles

How many times have you started a conversation with your partner with good intentions, only to have it turn into an ugly, door-slamming mess? How do you communicate what you want and need from your spouse without it erupting into defensiveness and anger? You just need to know how. Avoid these communication pitfalls to encourage positive dialogue.

  • Bad timing. Conversations need to start off on the right foot. Making sure your conversation is at a convenient time for both you and your partner increases your chance of having their full attention. Requests work best if they stay simple. For example, “I’d like to talk about this kids’ schedule. When is a good time for you?” or “Things got really ugly between us yesterday. I want to talk it out. Will tonight work for you, maybe after dinner?”
  • Harsh startup. Another way conversations go south quickly is by starting them harshly. Avoid starting your conversation with a critique or blame such as, “You haven’t been doing anything to help with the kids recently.” These harsh startups set your partner on the defensive. In these first few moments, your partner may feel attacked and ready their weapons, taking a stance against you instead of for you or with you. Make an effort to begin your conversation with something you appreciate about your partner like, “You really made my week easier last month when you took the kids to their after-school activities.”
  • Criticism. Words like “never” and “always” are dead-giveaways for this communication spoiler.  Critical remarks are those that suggest your partner is somehow flawed. Or, that your partner is completely to blame. For example, “You never help with the kids; I don’t know why you insist on being so lazy,” and “What is wrong with you?” Replace criticism with complaints. Complaints are short and stick only to one present incident. It sounds like, “The garbage is still in the garage, and you said you would take it out last night.”
  • Contempt. This communication spoiler is often seen and not heard. It is a way of communicating to your partner that you are better than them. Many times this is shown through eye-rolling, sneering, giggling, huffing...etc. Contemptuous remarks are an attempt to show your partner superiority, for example, “I would never treat you the way you treat me.” Instead, focus solely on your own feelings, making it easier for your partner to hear you.
  • Defensiveness. Defensiveness is probably the most common communication spoiler. “Yes you did!” “No I didn’t!” or “Yeah, maybe I did, but you do it all the time.” If your partner lets you know you’ve hurt them, the best thing to do is apologize before you begin to share your experience. 
  • Failing to take a timeout. Don’t assume that just because you started a conversation you both have to finish it. Many people keep trying to fight an uphill battle much after they should have simply called a “time out.” There is no shame in saying, “Hey, we’re right back to where we were, let’s cool off and try again later.” Find an activity that soothes or relaxes you during your break.
  • Missing the repair attempts. Repair attempts are an effort to decrease the intensity of a conflict and reconnect. They are unique to each couple. Maybe it's tickling, a kiss or a cheesy smile during a heated discussion. It’s your partner waiving the white flag, saying, “Remember me? I love you! Let’s stop this nonsense and get back to us!” Take time to think of how your partner makes repair attempts (sometimes they are subtle) and look for them in your next conflict to help reduce intensity and remind yourself this person is with you — not against you. 

The most successful, long-lasting relationships have a “we against the world” attitude, not “me against you” attitude. Excellent communication takes practice! Use each conversation with your partner as a chance to do some research. Do you both commit these communication spoilers? If so, which ones? When are they more likely to come out? If you replace them with the more effective techniques, what changes do you notice in how your partner responds to you? What changes do you notice in your feelings towards your partner and the topic you discussed?  

Feeling like you have to wait for your partner to fix themselves before you can be truly happy is exhausting and impossible! But feeling like you can start making changes to better your relationship today can be extremely powerful and fill your relationship with hope!  

These tips are based on the marital research of Dr. John Gottman. Marriage counselors at Positive Outlook Counseling use these strategies and much more to help their clients heal old wounds in their relationships and build stronger, healthier connections that last a lifetime. For more information, visit www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com.

Positive Outlook Counseling
Marci B. Stiles, MA, LPC-S, NBCC

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste 2100
Dallas TX, 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Marci Stiles specializes in individual, family, marriage and troubled teen therapy.

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online

Marci Stiles

By Lora Kingsley, LPC-Intern, Play Therapist

Temper tantrums are a normal, healthy behavior in children ages 1-3 who are beginning to struggle with frustration but don’t have the language to express this powerful emotion.

Follow these tips to help your child manage their emotions:

Keep calm — Temper tantrums aren't just upsetting for the child. Most parents get pushed over the edge by their child’s meltdown, especially if it happens in public or when you’re trying to rush out the door. This is the time to take a deep breath and stay as calm as possible. Your child can’t calm down if you aren't calm — and a parent’s frustration will only exacerbate the situation.

Reflect your child’s feelings — Try to identify the emotion your child is feeling. Is he angry? Frustrated? Sad? Then, reflect it back. “I know you are very angry right now…” Reflecting emotion helps your child learn to manage their own difficult feelings. Research has shown that labeling your child’s emotions teaches them mindfulness, which activates the prefrontal lobe area of the brain, responsible for regulating emotions. 

Assess the situation — Try to figure out why you’re child is having a tantrum. Is he or she tired? Hungry? Perhaps you tried to squeeze in a trip to the grocery store before nap or snack time. If your child is prone to temper tantrums, it is all the more important to have a schedule and stick to it. After all, don’t you get cranky when you’re hungry or tired? If this is the case, swallow your pride, forget your shopping trip and take your kid home for a nap or a snack. 

Give alternative choices — It is very common for young children to throw temper tantrums when they've been denied something that they want. It can be very upsetting for a parent whose child is pitching a major fit because they can’t have the sugary cereal with the cartoon character on the box. Try to think of it from your child’s perspective. They are beginning to develop a sense of autonomy, but all they hear all day is “No! Don’t touch! You can’t have that!” Give your child a sense of control over their environment by giving them a choice of items that are acceptable to you. For example, “We are not buying Sugar Crunchies today, but you can choose Healthy-O’s or Wheatie Flakes.” It is likely that your child will be so enchanted by the idea of being given options that they will forget all about their first choice.

Don’t reinforce bad behavior — Sometimes children throw temper tantrums because they want your attention. Even negative attention can reinforce this behavior. If your kid figures out that she can get your goat by kicking and screaming, she’s got you right where she wants you. Resist the urge and don’t give in. If you’re in a public place, tell your child you will give them a minute to calm themselves down. Take a few steps away and look in another direction (while watching out of the corner of your eye). It is likely that he will figure out that his behavior isn't working and give up. Another option is to take your child outside and give him space to calm down. At home, have your child sit in a “calm down” area or in their room until they have calmed themselves down. Remember to give your child praise and attention when they have calmed down. This is the behavior you want to reinforce.

Get help — If your child is having frequent temper tantrums that are disruptive to the family, or your child is over the age of 3 and still having whopper tantrums, it may be time to ask for help. A play therapist can help your child learn to regulate her emotions and teach you skills to reinforce therapy at home. If your child has experienced a death of a loved one or a significant change, such as divorce, he may be “acting out” troubling emotions by throwing tantrums. Play therapy can help your child deal with grief and loss in a healthy way.

Join us for a Play Therapy Open House on Friday, June 28 from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. at Positive Outlook Counseling to meet our play therapist, tour the playroom and learn about how play therapy can help your child with emotional, social or behavioral difficulties. Call Lora Kingsley at 972-733-3988 with questions or to schedule a free Q&A session. 

Positive Outlook Counseling
Marci B. Stiles, MA, LPC-S, NBCC

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste. 2100
Dallas, Texas 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Marci Stiles specializes in individual, family, marriage and troubled teen therapy.

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online

Marci Stiles

By Jason Carter, LPC-Intern
Supervised by Ashley Kuehne LPC-S

At some point in their lives, just about everyone has been in a situation of difficulty and has thought to themselves, "I don't know what to do. How am I going to get through this?” Now, help can lie in the core skills of Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

In a nutshell, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is simple. "The therapist creates a context of validation rather than blaming the patient, and within that context, the therapist blocks or extinguishes bad behaviors, drags good behaviors out of the patient, and figures out a way to make the good behaviors so reinforcing that the patient continues the good ones and stops the bad ones," says Marsha Linehan, creator of DBT.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a widely used research-based form of behavioral psychotherapy designed to help a variety of people suffering from issues including anger, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, personality disorders, overwhelming emotions, negative thoughts, suicidal ideation, eating disorders, and many others in individual and group settings.

DBT is a skills-based and directive approach designed to give clients the tools necessary to cope with the overwhelming emotions and situations they may experience. The therapist and client form an agreement to work collaboratively to learn and implement these skills outside of therapy. The term “Dialectics” generally refers to finding the balance in our lives — not just looking at one side of the chessboard of life, but also being able to view life and the game from the other side of the table and all the areas in between. 

Everyone has skills used to cope when dealing with the stressors in life. Sometimes these skills are a healthy addition to our lives, and sometimes these skills do not work and end up making these situations even worse. If these skills don’t work, why do we continue to exhibit these behaviors even though they are intensifying a negative situation? This ongoing action can be related to the behavior aspect of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. People continue to participate in these behaviors because they are getting something out of it, even if only for a brief period of time.

If a behavior is reinforced with any positive effect, a person is more likely to repeat the behavior. For example, people with substance abuse issues generally use drugs and alcohol to cope with life's stressors. Even though repeated drug and alcohol use causes a multitude of problems, the temporary, quick gratification and escape from life can be enough of a relief for a person that they will keep using drugs and alcohol to cope. If used long enough, it’s possible for someone to condition themselves into a continuation of unhealthy coping skills. A promising fact is that these unhealthy coping skills are learned and can be unlearned or replaced with another healthier skill. That is where therapy comes into play.

As a therapist, I can help you identify these "unhealthy behaviors" and how they are negatively impacting your life. Once identified, together, we can find out what new skills can be used in place of these old behaviors. The use of Diary Cards to help track old and new behaviors is a great way to measure progress and areas of improvement. After enough time, the new, healthier skills will become your new reinforcement. These skills will be repeated, as you’ll begin to notice you feel better and happier, resulting in more positive outcomes in your life.

Changing old behaviors is not an easy process and will take time, effort, and dedication. The results can be life-changing for the better and I will work right alongside you in your journey for self-empowerment and growth in many areas of your life. In order to get started, here are the general core skills of DBT and some quick tips to help get the change process begin.

The core skills of DBT include: 

  • Mindfulness —the awareness and observation of ones thoughts, feelings, behaviors, body sensations, urges, etc… and the world around them in the present moment, without being critical and judgmental
  • Distress Tolerance — coping with intense and overwhelming emotions during difficult situations without making things worse
  • Emotion Regulation — identifying feelings as they happen and understanding how emotions work and how they affect us
  • Interpersonal Effectiveness — having and maintaining healthy fulfilling relationships with other people, from the clerk at 7-11 to our best friends, lovers, coworkers, and family

Try the following tips and get started by making the change to a healthier and happier life:

  • Cast Your Judgments Aside — Judgments are the fuel to our negative emotions. In mindfulness, being aware of ourselves in the present moment is a key aspect to catching negative emotions early, and dealing with them before they get out of control. Awareness of these feelings and not judging or being critical of them is a good first step. If you find yourself judging, don't judge your judgments.
  • Don’t Be Afraid of Your Feelings — Often, our environments, including ourselves and others, can be invalidating, and may tell us we should not feel a certain way. Feelings are perfectly natural, and you have the right to feel the way you do. What you do with your feelings is key.
  • Create Personal Consequences for Your Unhealthy Behaviors — This may sound harsh, but if unhealthy behaviors don't have apparent consequences they are likely to be repeated.
  • Encourage Yourself — Try to do one thing a day to help yourself feel competent and in control. Participate in activities you are good at and enjoy to help illicit more positive feelings.
  • Learn to Focus — Take some time to focus on just one thing at a time and really give it all of your attention.
  • Try Visualization Methods — Take a mini vacation in your mind by imagining a relaxing scene or participate in something to take your mind off things.
  • Weigh Out the Pros and Cons — Evaluate the benefits and drawbacks of your unhealthy behavior versus a healthy coping skill.
  • Accept Situations for What They are Using Radical Acceptance — Just because you accept something for what it is does not mean you have to like or agree with it.
  • Find Healthy Distractions — Distract yourself from self-destructive behaviors by doing positive, healthy activities.
  • Calm Down — Participate in mindful breathing and relaxation techniques to help calm you down.
  • Think Positively — Use positive and accurate coping thoughts instead of negative, self-defeating thoughts.
  • Express Yourself — Use "I statements" to express your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, needs, and wants instead of blaming others for your feelings and problems.
  • Do What is Effective — Find what healthy coping skills work for you and continue to use them. 
  • Keep Up Your Health — Get plenty of rest, exercise your body and mind, take care of physical health issues, and eat healthy. 

If you or anyone you know may be able to benefit from DBT to help alleviate symptoms or improve the quality of life, I am here to help. Feel free to call or visit our website to schedule your first appointment.

For more information, contact Jason Carter, LPC-Intern at 972-733-3988 or book your appointment online by clicking here.

Positive Outlook Counseling
Marci B. Stiles, MA, LPC-S, NBCC

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste 2100
Dallas TX, 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Marci Stiles specializes in individual, family, marriage and troubled teen therapy.

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online

Marci Stiles

By Lora Kingsley, LPC Intern, Play Therapist

You’ve gotten the dreaded phone call from your child’s school. He has hurt another child and is being suspended. Or perhaps the daycare is calling to tell you that other parents have complained about your child’s aggressive acts and you have to find another daycare...now. 

Bullying is receiving a lot of media attention these days. Schools and daycares are instituting zero-tolerance policies. All children should be kept safe from bullying and violence in school. But if you are the parent of a child who acts out aggressively against other children, you are likely to face this challenge without help from teachers or administrators, scrambling to find care for your child and fearing for their educational future. 

The truth is that aggressive behavior is normal in children. As a child develops, they learn coping skills to deal with anger and other negative feelings without hitting, biting or kicking. Most children cease aggressive behavior around the age of 5. A child who is continually hurting others despite consistent efforts to redirect their behavior may be having difficulty learning how to cope with negative emotions. They may be dealing with frustration due to learning difficulties or a lack of social skills. If they have recently lost a loved one or have experienced divorce, a move, or other family disruption, they may be having difficulty processing their grief and sadness. 

Play therapy has been shown to help children learn to manage their emotions and develop self-control. In the play therapy room, the child is provided with specially chosen toys. The play therapist provides a trusting and accepting environment in which the child can express themselves through their natural language of play. The play therapist will partner with you to give you support and show you how to continue the therapeutic process at home. Your child’s therapist can also communicate with teachers and school administrators to advocate for your child’s needs.

  • Ensure that your child is getting enough rest at night and is eating well. Aggression can result in daytime crankiness from being tired or having low blood sugar.
  • Stay calm and redirect your child’s aggressive behavior when you witness it. Model the kind of behavior you want to see in your child. 
  • Help your child identify their emotions. When they tell you about their day, use reflective statements such as, “You were angry when Johnny took your toy,” or, “You’re sad that the other kids don’t want to play with you.” 
  • Involving your child in sports and activities such as karate can help them learn self-control and healthy expression of aggression. 
  • Let your child’s teacher or daycare provider know that you take their concerns seriously. It’s easy to become defensive when they make your little angel sound like a monster, but try to understand the issue from their perspective. Showing them that you are concerned and taking steps to correct the problem will make them more sympathetic to your child’s cause.
  • That being said, you must advocate for your child’s education and care. Ask questions about what disciplinary measures are used at school to correct the problem. Ask if your child can be given extra monitoring. Ensure that your child isn’t being labeled as a “bully” or “bad kid” by teachers. 

For help with your child’s aggressive behavior, contact play therapist Lora Kingsley, LPC Intern at 972-733-3988 or book your appointment online by clicking here.

Positive Outlook Counseling
Marci B. Stiles, MA, LPC-S, NBCC

16610 N. Dallas Pkwy, Suite 2100
Dallas, Texas 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Marci Stiles specializes in individual, family, marriage and troubled teen therapy.

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online 

Marci Stiles

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and found yourself questioning your sanity afterwards? Is there a loved one or friend in your life who is causing you pain, but somehow it feels like it’s all your fault? You might be dealing with a Narcissist.

“Many people have told me over the years that they feel crazy or that someone in particular is making them crazy,” said Marci B. Stiles, licensed professional counselor and founder of Dallas-based Positive Outlook Counseling. “It is very painful for them because they either care about this person or are forced to work with them and don’t know what to do to mitigate the painful feelings.”

First, Stiles helps them identify exactly with whom they are dealing with. “Understanding is often the first step towards fixing or modifying the problem,” notes Stiles. “Narcissists can cause a lot of pain and it is important for people to know the attributes of a narcissist so they can protect themselves and develop coping strategies.”

A narcissist is someone who is so obsessively self-focused that they rarely feel empathy or concern for others around them. They see the world as revolving around them and have trouble imagining that others around them have lives or outside interests.

When your interests align with a narcissist, they can be very charismatic, charming, fun and interesting. When your interests diverge, they can be cold, demanding, rude and ruthless. They are both highly self-confident and very insecure. Anything that punctures the overly magnificent picture they have of themselves can cause them to fly into a rage or retreat into crying.

Stiles shares 10 common traits with her clients to help them identify the narcissists in their lives.

  1. Cannot see another’s point of view. Life is either their way or the highway. The narcissist is always correct and others are stupid.

  2. Require constant validation. They love and seek admiration from everyone and cannot handle criticism. They expect you to admire and praise them often. You may spend a lot of time handling the narcissist’s ego and reaffirming their worldview.

  3. Big on window dressing. They are show-offs with a big house, fancy cars, motorcycles, trophy spouses, etc. They are big into status and status symbols.

  4. Look good to impress others. They are often obsessed with their appearance and the appearance of others. In addition, they look for other ways to impress people. “A narcissist might be a big tipper or appear very generous…if they are trying to impress you,” notes Stiles. “It may take a while to realize that their generosity is an act performed for admiration and not a positive character trait.”

  5. Special. The rules do not apply to narcissists. They often talk about stupid laws or stupid rules. Authority is lame and only for others. They expect special treatment at service establishments and won’t hesitate to inconvenience someone else.

  6. Easily offended, hurt or rejected. “This may seem odd given how arrogant a narcissist comes across, but they can’t stand even the smallest perceived slight or insult,” adds Stiles. “And they won’t keep their pain to themselves either. They’ll rage and pout or cry and pity themselves for hours.”

  7. Vain. Narcissists are proud of their bodies, their sexual prowess, their sports abilities, natural talents or business accomplishments – sometimes for no good reason. In their fantasy world, they are the best at everything that matters (to them, of course).

  8. Entitled. Not only are they special, but narcissists believe they deserve good things all the time. What is yours is theirs and their needs come first. If someone else wins an award or is recognized for achievement, narcissists are indignant that their talents, accomplishments, etc., haven’t been recognized.

  9. Lack of empathy. Narcissists think everything in some way is about them – even your personal tragedies or experiences. “They have trouble seeing people outside of themselves as being real or important beyond what that person can do for them,” said Stiles. “They will be puzzled or annoyed by others feelings and find them an inconvenience at best. Don’t expect sympathy, generosity or kindness from a narcissist unless he is trying to impress you. If you confide in a narcissist about a problem, you may suddenly find yourself talking about them and their problems.”

  10. Poor relationships. Narcissists leave a trail of destruction and bad relationships behind them. “There can be plenty of charm, but very little connection,” notes Stiles. “One strong indicator of a narcissist is whether or not that person has close friendships and/or family relationships. If they don’t, it raises a flag.”

None of these traits in and of themselves means a person is a narcissist. Everyone has bad days, even weeks and months where they may act badly, say terrible things or behave like a complete jerk, explains Stiles.

“What you see with a narcissist is consistency. This is a pattern of behavior for that person. They rarely express remorse unless they want something from you. In their world, they are – to use the words of Mary Poppins – ‘Practically Perfect People’ who are never wrong and thus, never need to say they are sorry.”

Many narcissists are accomplished, charming, functioning members of society – movie stars, CEOs and artists often rate high on the narcissism scale – the problem comes when you do not share their worldview and yet still need to live with them or work with them.

If you suspect a narcissist in your life and would like to schedule an appointment about protection and coping skills, contact Marci Stiles LPC at 972-733-3988 or book your appointment online at http://www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com/schedule-dallas-counseling-appointment/.

 

Positive Outlook Counseling
Marci B. Stiles, MA, LPC-S, NBCC

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste 2100
Dallas TX, 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Marci Stiles specializes in individual, family, marriage and troubled teen therapy.

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online

Marci Stiles

Finding marijuana in your teen’s room is a shock and can quickly turn into an explosive situation that spirals out of control. Anger, betrayal, disappointment and fear for the child’s safety and future are natural feelings. It is hard to look at the situation objectively or constructively.

“Many parents are terrified and furious at the same time,” notes Marci B. Stiles, licensed professional counselor and founder Positive Outlook Counseling. “They lose sight of the big picture which is to help their teen stop using drugs.”

Stiles lists seven strategies for distressed parents to help manage the situation:

  1.  Don’t Accuse. Kids become defensive and shut down when they are accused, just like adults. Ask your child to explain why he or she has a bag of pot in their drawer or a bong in their closet in a calm manner. Remember, you are the adult and your child feels safer when you are in control. Their health and safety are the biggest priority.
  2.  Talk to not at. This is not the time for lectures. Your teen knows drugs are illegal and is well aware of your stand on taking them. Your goal is to open a dialog. Yelling, cursing, calling him or her names will cause your teen to shut down.
  3.  Listen. You’ve asked your child some questions. Now stop talking. During a natural pause, you can feedback what you’ve heard to your teen. “You hate school and all your friends use pot all the time.” You are not commenting – “That’s the dumbest excuse ever!” – Or giving advice – “You just need to buckle down!” This is about understanding and building trust with your teen.
  4. Ask Questions. Your teen is going to be wary, probably scared and feeling guilty. They won’t say a lot at first. Use your questions to find out more about your child rather than to make them feel bad. Try to find out the extent of the problem. Is it a one-time thing? A daily habit? Is your child selling it to his or her friends? When does he or she smoke?
  5. Get Help. Depending on the extent of the problem, your teen may need counseling or rehab. There are often underlying reasons your teen tried drugs in the first place. They may be feeling pressures you don’t know about.
  6. Be Honest. Build Trust. The goal of your discussion with your teen is to stop the potentially dangerous behavior and to reconnect with them. The best way to build trust is to be honest and caring with them. You can love them and care for them without condoning the behavior. Being calm and focused on your child and their behavior will tell your teen they can trust you even during a very stressful family situation. If you tried drugs as a teen, this may give you insight into your child’s behavior. If relevant, talk about why you started and why you stopped. Share your fears and concerns in a non-punishing way.
  7. Establish Natural Consequences. Your teen has broken the rules – yours and society’s – and there are consequences for this. You may be tempted to punish your child severely. A more effective strategy is to let them experience the natural consequences of their behavior. They have lost your trust and needs to rebuild it. Would you give a stoned person the keys to a car? Would you let a potentially stoned person go to a party where there might be drugs? Most teens take drugs with their friends. If your teen was smoking after school, should they be allowed to participate in after-school activities? Are you going to call their friends’ parents and warn them that their teen might also be smoking pot? In addition to establishing consequences based on love and concern for their safety, give your teen a path to rebuilding trust. Smoking pot was a mistake, but one from which he can recover. 

“One of the best ways to help your teen to not take drugs in the first place is to keep an honest, open and non-judgmental line of communication open,” notes Stiles. “That way, when they are stressed or feeling down or overwhelmed, they will go to you, not the drugs or alcohol.

Start where you are today and work to build trust. When you are calm, try to remember yourself as a teenager with all its insecurities, hormones, school and peer pressure. Your teen will make mistakes. As their parent, you are there to help him learn and recover from them – even something as serious as drugs and alcohol. I regularly see families in my practice that become stronger after working through a crisis like this.”

If you would like to schedule an appointment about rebuilding trust after discovering drugs, contact Marci Stiles LPC at 972-733-3988 or book your appointment online at http://www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com/schedule-dallas-counseling-appointment/

Positive Outlook Counseling
Marci B. Stiles, MA, LPC-S, NBCC

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste 2100
Dallas TX, 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Marci Stiles specializes in individual, family, marriage and troubled teen therapy.

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online

 

Marci Stiles

While the “good” news about affairs is that many couples can survive them and only about 20% of couples face them, no one wants to place that kind of test on their relationship.

Most betrayed partners are bewildered and ask themselves “What happened? How could this happen?” It seems inconceivable that their sweetie could stray…which is the first mistake if you want to avoid an affair in your marriage.

“Many couples become complacent with their partner,” notes Marci B. Stiles, licensed professional counselor and founder Positive Outlook Counseling. “They stop taking the necessary measures to affair-proof their relationship. Successful couples realize they must work on the relationship all the time – not just on special occasions or during a crisis.”

During her twelve years as a therapist, Dallas-based Stiles has helped many couples affair-proof their marriages. According to her, successful couples practice eight behaviors that keep the relationship centered on each other rather than outside partners:

  1. Communicate – Talk to each other, not at each other
  2. Listen actively
  3. Have fun adult time without kids
  4. Keep physical intimacy alive
  5. Balance work/home life
  6. Make them feel like the center of your universe
  7. Be sweet
  8. Work as a team

“These are the actions that made them fall in love in the first place,” adds Stiles. “The trick is to keep them up throughout the marriage. When they were courting, they actively listened to each other and reflected back what they heard. They talked to their loved one, not at them. They took plenty of time to be together and made the other person feel like the most special person on earth – that’s why they got married, because they wanted to be together forever.”

Having fun together with spontaneous activities, hobbies, or vacations, or working together as a team help strengthen the relationship when both partners remember to appreciate and admire their spouse along the way. Washing the car, leaving a kiss on the bathroom mirror, planning a date night, bringing home flowers; and other sweet gestures help the couple communicate their shared love and affection.

It is especially important not to let work trample over family time – that’s when the lonely spouse starts to look for company. “Work/life balance is one of the hardest things we do as people, let alone a couple,” say Stiles. “We get so much reward from work well done and the money is naturally important. To keep the relationship affair-proof, the couple needs to work together as a team to make sure the marriage is the focus and priority, not the after-thought.”

In her practice, Stiles sees couples in all stages of a relationship. “Marriage counseling is a good idea for couples who aren’t in a crisis,” says Stiles. “An outside third party can help couples remember why they fell in love and to come up with strategies to keep that love engine chugging along despite job promotions, kids, pets and new responsibilities that might distract them from each other.”

If you would like to schedule an appointment about healing your important relationships, contact Marci Stiles LPC at 972-733-3988 or book your appointment online at http://www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com/schedule-dallas-counseling-appointment/

Click to View Our Couples Therapy Video

Positive Outlook Counseling
Marci B. Stiles, MA, LPC-S, NBCC

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste 2100
Dallas TX, 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Marci Stiles specializes in individual, family, marriage and troubled teen therapy.

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online

 

Marci Stiles

Your soul mate might be hiding something from you. No one likes to think it could happen in his or her marriage, but approximately 20% of us will be betrayed by a partner at least once according to surveys conducted by the National Opinion Research Center. 

But that’s not the end of the story – or the relationship. 

Despite most people’s impulse reaction of “I’ll leave!”, many marriages survive a cheating spouse. 

“Of the couples that come into my offices, only about 20 percent break up because of the affair,” notes Marci B. Stiles, licensed professional counselor and founder Positive Outlook Counseling. “That means that 80 percent make it – some even better than before.” 

During her 8 years as a marriage counselor in Dallas, Stiles has helped many couples move past the hurt and back into love again. According to her, successful couples share these seven attributes as they recover from the affair: 

  1. Seek counseling
  2. Grieve
  3. Accept
  4. Ask questions
  5. Commit
  6. Communicate
  7. Work as a team

“Marriage counseling is a critical first step for couples,” says Stiles. “With all the emotions unleashed by the affair, a neutral third-party is very helpful in keeping the couple focused on their shared goal of saving the marriage. Even if the decision has been made to end the marriage, sometimes a counselor can help the couple negotiate child custody issues and soften the blow on the rest of the family.” 

Grieve

The loss of trust, intimacy, joy and closeness from a betrayal this big causes huge feelings like a death. The wounded spouse must grieve before he or she can move on.

“Depending on the person, grieving a relationship can take weeks to a year or more,” says Stiles. “Some days everything’s OK and moving forward, and other days you cry and can’t stand small things like how your spouse eats.”

 Accept

The relationship as they knew it is lost. The couple must give each other time to process it.

 “Acceptance is an important and healing part of the grieving process. As long as one of the spouses is trying to hold on to the way the relationship used to be, they can’t move on as a couple,” adds Stiles. “We work together as a team to help both spouses accept the new reality.”

 Ask Questions

The spouse who had the affair must be willing to answer the questions from and be patient with the other spouse.

“Some spouses will ask about every tiny detail, others won’t want to know anything. The unfaithful spouse should be willing to end the affair, accept the lion’s share of responsibility, and show remorse and sympathy when sharing the details.  

On the other hand, the injured spouse needs to understand that once the questions are asked and answered, they should be dropped. To keep asking the same questions over and over keeps the affair alive and makes it impossible to move on.”

 Commit

To recover, both spouses must have compelling personal reasons for staying in the marriage and a strong desire to make it work. Stiles has her clients write up and sign a contract with their personal relationship “rules” like “fight fair” and “no threats to break up or leave during the period of this contract.”

 “I tell my clients “we’re all in or we’re out – none of this half-way stuff” at least for the term of the contract which is usually three-to-six months. They both have to agree to play fair and to sincerely communicate with each other.”

 Communicate

“A relationship is a living thing that is in a very delicate state after an affair,” adds Stiles. “The injured spouse needs to be gentle with themselves and their spouse. It is natural to have revenge fantasies and to be furiously angry, but to act out these feelings can escalate the destruction of the marriage beyond repair.”

The other spouse has to be patient and sincere in his or her desire to fix the relationship – and very communicative. “They should be checking in with their spouse before he or she needs to check in with them. If the phone rings five times a day during work, they should answer it five times a day. If they are stuck in traffic, they should call immediately to keep the other spouse from worrying and doubting.”

Work as a Team

While it took one person to cheat, the rebuilding of a marriage, after an affair, requires teamwork. “The betrayed spouse should ask the unfaithful spouse how to help the other person from committing adultery again. The partner who cheated must also examine the personal reasons that spurred the behavior. By identifying the areas of marriage that need improvement, committing to make needed changes and spending time together, marriages can recover,” says Stiles.

“Most people reading this article are probably in the 80 percent whose partner won’t cheat, but if it does happen to you and you love this person, take action! There’s a good chance the relationship can be saved by committing to a plan and learning how to communicate clearly and fairly.”

 If you would like to schedule an appointment about healing your important relationships, contact Marci Stiles LPC at 972-733-3988 or book your appointment online at: http://www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com/schedule-dallas-counseling-appointment/

Click to View Our Couples Therapy Video 

 

Positive Outlook Counseling
Marci B. Stiles, MA, LPC-S, NBCC

16610 North Dallas Parkway, Ste 2100
Dallas TX, 75248

972-733-3988
www.positiveoutlookcounseling.com

Positive Outlook Counseling services range from individual counseling to family therapy to marriage counseling services. Marci Stiles specializes in individual, family, marriage and troubled teen therapy.

Click Here To Book An Appointment Online